Trying to figure life out... (jacob22eku) wrote in atkm,
Trying to figure life out...


Well whats up guys? sorry its been so long since i have posted been busy with school and work... I just need to vent so if your not in the mood to hear someone vent then skip thru my entry cause Jake is going to vent... I started a new job at Steak n Shake and its cool because I worked at one in Ohio where I am from so all I had to do was transfer... The people there are ok I am a production trainer which means that I train the new employees and basically make sure the shift runs smooth. They know me as Lauren the lesbian which was ok at first but now its trully starting to get to me. The name tag I have says Lauren and I was so proud of my accomplishment because I received a raise and more responsibilities. But everytime I see that name it feels as though I have been stabbed in the chest. I am not sure if my name will be Jacob but anything is better than Lauren. The crew I work with does not have a problem with me being a lesbian but I am afraid to tell them about me being Jacob. They are not close minded people but not the most liberal either one manager in particular likes to challenge me because I think he feels threatened about me being so "butch". Like no "woman" should be more masculine than him or some stupid crap like that.
It just feels that everyday its harder and harder to live as Lauren and I wonder if things will ever be how they are supposed to be... I think my depression is back because I am down in the dumps 24-7, lost all interest in everything that at one time I held close to my heart, I am tired even though I get over 8 hours of sleep, feel as though I am constantly hungry right after i just ate a big meal.
I just wonder when this hell will end because I dont know how much more I can take before I go crazy. I vent to my girlfriend as much as I can and she does her best to understand me but their is only so much she understand without being in my shoes. Well I feel better now that I have cleared my head... if anyone wants to respond to my entry feel free...
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